A Old Wine's Tale

I’d already written my blog this week. My dad got a new iPhone and I was going to rip into him about his lack of technological common sense. And, actually, just his lack of ability to open the box that the iPhone came in.  Not to mention his troubles with the phone itself, once he turned it on (it took a while to find the power button). But that blog didn’t happen, after the events of the weekend…

Sunrise at Long Beach

Some friends and I were supposed to go tramping over Easter but the car kind of broke down, so we didn’t go. Instead, we decided to play it safe and just take the car for a small twirl and go camping at Long Beach.

Always a good time for a swim

We had lots of good chats. I divulged the results of some of my numerous BuzzFeed quizzes… I am more Tris, than Katniss. Hermione, than Ginny. People’s first impression of me is ‘quirky’ (I thought this was generous).  My dog should be called ‘Buddy.’ At the Battle of Hogwarts, I would survive. I’d be a professional Quidditch player. If I were a tiny animal, I would be a tiny kitten (not what I wanted, but if science has taught me anything, it is that you can’t argue with results). Anyway, you get the picture. Conversations that would have been better had they been slightly more blurry the following morning.

Our epic campsite

However, the slight blurryness of the following morning was not to be.

You see, I had carefully squirrelled away two bottles of wine from my parents rather dusty collection, reasoning that they would not notice that the bottles that had quietly disappeared. I decided to take one red and one white. Something for everyone. The Camping Crew collectively decided to save the white for dessert. All class, of course. I carefully poured out each person a rather generous glass. However, a mere sip was taken before the exclamation rung out, “Ugh, this tastes like water!’ Soon thereafter similar exclamations ensued. Needless to say, it was, in fact, water.

Long Beach

You see, what had happened was I had accidentaly cracked into my parent’s emergency water store. They store emergency water in wine bottles on the bench – like all normal people preparing for an emergency. Rookie Steph, did not know this. In my ignorance, I had taken one these bottles thinking that it was white wine. I noticed that the red and white bottles both said Shiraz. I noticed that the desription was the same for both of them; ‘spicy and silky with plum, blackberries and hints of rich dark chocolate.’ I thought, ‘huh, how strange,' but did not use any of my analytical thinking skills (being carefully developed by my expensive university education) to put two and two together.

Emergency water store

Emergency wine store

My parents obviously have this emergency water store for more than one reason. Emergency water for a natural disaster. Emergency water for children with slightly alcoholic tendencies who try to smuggle more than the prescribed amount of alcohol out of the house.

Actually though, what I want to know is, who, the hell, stores emergency water in wine bottles on the bench?

What’s up with that?

Seriously, who does that?!?

Nature's wonders

Their child proof plan is quite clearly child proof.

I find it all the more ironic because it’s Easter. I wonder if, because Jesus died, all that water he had turned into wine turned back into water? And maybe, because it’s now Sunday, and on Sunday he rose again, it’ll turn back to wine?  I found this to be a rather un-religiously PC joke, but at I comfort myself with the thought that I think Jesus would find this mildly amusing too.

Un-religiously PC meme.

'Changed water to wine:

Woke up three days later in some cave'

Anyway, I am obviously not going to be a wine connisseur anytime soon. And I would say that, for somebody that was planning on ripping the shit out of their parents, the parents quite obviously know how to play the game.

Well played, Parents. Well played. I am sufficiently impressed.

I am probably, also, the rather worthy receipient of a s-l-o-w clap.

Happy Easter!