Steph Adventures Inc.

I am my father’s daughter. The more time that I spend away from my family, the more apparent this becomes. I know that my dad had this realisation before my 22^nd birthday, likening my complete and utter state of disarray to him. However, the similarities have continued to come thick and fast.

My delightful father has a tendency to take unsuspecting victims on tramps that are, let’s be completely honest here, hell on earth. Quietly pushing his own agenda so that he has some company on the epic adventures that he wants to go on. However, this policy means that he can usually on take people on his adventures once before they get such a fright that they run a mile and never touch Bruce Adventures Inc with so much as a barge pole for as long as they live.

Big Bend National Park

Druid Arch, Canyonlands National Park

Angel's Landing hike

Zion National Park

Anyway, about me (because that’s what this blog is all about isn’t it?). So I wanted to go backpacking (which is the American word for tramping). And my travel companion, Emma, agreed to letting me organize an overnight trip. So, I decided, as I have learnt from my father, that you are graced with the best views when you work for them, i.e. when you have walked up a hill and are well and truly dead (everything looks better when you’re a bit delirious). So, I searched for a hill we could walk up. Needless to say I found one. We were situated in Kings Canyon after all, making the only way we could go, straight up. I decided that 5500 feet (1600 m) of elevation gain seemed like a good idea. With switchback after switchback after switchback after switchback. About half way up, we decided that once we got to the top, we would be all good… How could it get any worse? A tip for young players, never decide that something is the ‘worst part’ of a trip until the trip is over. 

After 4 ½ hours of walking up, we arrived at the top. With no water (if this road trip has taught me nothing, it is that the US is just one huge desert). And if the desert has no water, neither do the canyons. And even if there is water, you can’t just drink it. Because what about the little buglets that live in the water? The Little Nasties that just want to make your time even worse? So we changed our tune and decided that maybe the hill wasn’t so bad after all and maybe it was the fact that we had no water that would be the death of us, because, you know, dehydration. 

But then we had to stop and get water. And holy heck. Never have I ever seen so many mosquitos. At which point Emma turned around (at-the-6-hours-into-our-expedition-stage) and said, ‘Steph, can we just leave now and walk back down the hill?.’ To which I replied, ‘That is probably not the best idea ever (at 3:30 pm in the afternoon).’ We ran the last part of our walk, set up our tent, sat inside (killing mosquitos by the dozen) and concluded that the hike had not been worth it and that the mosquitos were without a doubt, the worst part. Never have I ever looked so diseased without actually being diseased.

Was it worth it? You ask me.

Eh. I reply. Maybe next time I’ll pack a long shirt and some bug spray.

Was it worth it? You ask Emma.

Eh. She replies. I’m never touching a Steph Adventures Inc. with a barge pole again.

Marmot at Alta Peak, Sequoia National Park

Granite Lake, Kings Canyon National Park

Granite Lake, Kings Canyon National Park

 Kings Canyon, Kings Canyon National Park

Granite Basin, Kings Canyon National Park

Canyonlands National Park

Alta Peak, Sequoia National Park

Pear Lake, Sequoia National Park

In other news, I have visited a retirement RV park in Palm Springs. Met a cat, trained like a dog. Stayed on a hippie commune in Santa Fe. Picked up a straggler for 24 hours. Seen a snake get stuck in a hole because it was too fat. Had custom made boots engineered for me in Mexico. Been underwhelmed by the world’s largest underground cavern and by the world’s largest tree.*

America

*by volume

Border Patrol

Since I last updated my self-involved monologue, my American travel companion and I traveled south to New Orleans. Then to Austin. Then to Roma. Then to Big Bend National Park. Where I am currently. With wifi. And what better to write about myself than when I am in of the top 50 places in the USA, as I am currently doing. Rather than, you know, hiking, or some shit.

I think that it would be fair to say that New Orleans happened to both Emma and myself. Not least of all because I woke up in my closet sitting up, 7 hours after I arrived there in the wee hours of the morning. Before putting myself back to sleep until 5 pm. While some of the night is a blur and some of the night is gone, I think that it would be fair to say that it was wild.

New Orleans

But that night in NOLA aside, our travels have been fairly drama free. That was until we were driving from Roma, TX to Big Bend (also in TX) parallel to the Mexican border and we ran into border patrol. Our conversations went something like this:

Emma “Good afternoon, officers.”

Officers “Good afternoon. Where are y’all from?”

Emma “Well, I’m from Seattle and she’s from NZ”

Officers “Is it alright if I just let my dog look around your vehicle?

Emma “Of course, Officer”

Officers “Are there any other people in the vehicle with you?”

Emma “No”

Officers “Are you carrying any narcotics with you?”

Emma “No”

Officers “Right. And what are you doing here?

Emma “We are on a road trip across the country. From Boston to Seattle, but we were just visiting a friend in Roma”

Officers “Another red flag… Well, my canine is trained to sniff out people and narcotics and has alerted me that this is a vehicle of interest”

Emma “Oh”

Me “Oh”

Emma “Ohk”

Me “Ohk”

Officers “And, I’m not going to lie, all I am hearing from you two is weed.”

Emma and I “Ok, sir. I appreciate that, sir”

Officers “Do you have anything in your car that might hurt my canine?”

Emma “No, sir. Only sheathed knives”

Officers “Would you mind please getting out of the vehicle and waiting on that bench over there?”

Emma and I “No, sir. Not at all, sir. We’ll just be over here, sir. Nice dog, by the way, sir. Very masculine.”

* * 15 minutes later after extensive dog sniffing and federal officer searching of our car * *

Officers “Do you have any wet clothes?”

Emma “Ah, yes. We actually just went swimming. You can see that our hair is still wet”

Officer “What about dirty laundry?”

Emma “Well funny you should ask actually…”

(We had decided the previous day that we were too lazy to do laundry)

Officer “Well alright then. I think my canine was smelling your laundry. You might want to get those washed and dried as soon as possible.”

Emma and I “Why thank you, officer. What sound advice, officer. Will do, officer. You have a nice day, officer. And thank you, for keeping America safe.”

Officer “Stay away from those tokers”

Texas

I am so glad that these great men are keeping America safe and making it great again, one vehicle search at a time.