Stalking and Serendipity

It’s crazy to think that just two short years ago, I didn’t have facebook. I don’t know what I did with my time. How I have changed since the good old days of 2013. Since that time, I have developed a new hobby... facebook stalking. It really is wonderful. The pleasure, joy, entertainment and amusement I get from stalking people on facebook is truly unfathomable… I like to think of myself as an explorer, setting off to undiscovered lands; whose page will I end up in this time? Or better yet, as a detective, searching for clues and curiousness in others' lives...

Usually the stalking starts out fairly innocently… I promise myself to just have a look at some recent photos… However, some silly people have something stupid like 500 photos (or more) of themselves in various states of disarray. At about photo 350 or 400 the adrenaline begins to wear off and I become aware of what I am doing - facebook stalking… And I don't like it when I become aware of the fact that I am facebook stalking; it makes me feel uneasy. The uneasiness usually starts at about photo 350 or 400, because that's when the victim has started to look like a small unidentifiable child, who I have trouble picking out of the photos. In a perfect world, this uneasiness about no longer being able to recognise the person I am facebook stalking would terminate my stalking of them. But - news flash - we do not live in a perfect world. Sometimes I even feel proud of my level of dedication to facebook stalking and justify my continued stalking to myself, reasoning that all people with over 500 photos of themselves on a social networking site are positively screaming ‘facebook stalk me until it’s creepy.’ I feel no remorse.

Interestingly, however, the person that I facebook stalk the most is myself. There I said it; I am narcissistic. Perhaps that is sad; perhaps it is normal – I don’t know these things. I do know, however, that the way I appear to the internet world is a curious thing and it’s something that I analyse and consider and then reanalyse and reconsider. I look at my photos and wonder what other people think when they facebook stalk me. Who do they think I am? Do they think my life looks awesome? Do they judge what I comment? Do they analyse whose stuff I like? Or is that just me paying far too much attention to myself?  Sometimes I facebook stalk other people and think that they must have the most wonderful life. Then I facebook stalk myself and remember that appearances aren’t everything.

But anyway, the best part of my week occured while I was facebook stalking. I had gotten to the 350/400 photo mark and was starting to feel slightly uncomfortable with my dedication to facebook stalking this particular person. The person of interest had started looking noticably younger and I was no longer able to fool myself that this was just a cheeky update on their personal life. Anyway, at this one particular photo, as I lay in bed stalking this person, I saw the number of likes on this photo drop from 10 to 9. I couldn’t believe it – right before my very eyes! How serendipitous! How comforting it was to know that I was not the only person engaging in inappropriate facebook stalking. Then I spent a good few minutes speculating how this event had arisen… Had my fellow stalker decided that they didn’t much like the photo anymore? Or, far more scandalous, the people in the photo? Alternatively, had they accidentally liked the photo, thus giving away their ninja stealth position and revealing their true location in the photo library 2011 archives? Had they hastily tried to take back the like, but alas, finding it was too late? Had the damage been done? Had the little red notification symbol had appeared on the stalkees facebook? 

I am ashamed to admit that I have had some personal experience with this accidental liking business. I’ve felt the stomach drop, the palms get clammy and the heart start pounding with the absolute horror of accidentally liking somebody’s post… Somebody with whom communication was off limits... Or when you are just that bit too far back in their photos for it to be considered socially acceptable to like a photo.

In conclusion, a tip for young players: I find that the likelihood of accidentally liking or commenting or sharing something when facebook stalking is exponentially higher when on my cellphone, rather than my computer. Or maybe my thumbs are just fat. Either way, as an extra precaution, I no longer facebook stalk on my phone. Unless it's an emergency, in which case I am extremely careful about where I put my grimy little mits on that unforgiving touch screen.  

I love facebook stalking people. I really do. And if you’re sitting here reading this, you might very well get facebook stalked on a semi-regular basis (yes, I have a roster for who I facebook stalk).

Don’t worry if you don’t have facebook, no need to feel left out; sometimes I google people too. But I feel that’s a story for another day.

Happy facebook stalking!